It’s not  “The Idea of You”, it’s “Everything about You”

June, 2021, Shanghai, China

 

To the Strange Chapter in These Months

 

Music Recommendation for this poem: Gone – Ofelia K

 

 

<I>

Mr. Weirdo + Seriousness,

except our disappointment to our dreams,

we’ve had intense attraction for each other.

 

But despite our intense attraction,

we had real fights.

 

And we were deprived,

of the abilities to feel.

 

To feel what we want,

to want what we like,

to like what we hope,

to hope what we think,

to then think what we want,

for and from each other,

and to find out which things we have yet to know.

 

More than two times I knew,

that I fell in love with you.

 

By logic, I concluded that,

Mr. Weirdo + Seriousness,

I have fallen in love with you

– but I can’t feel it.

 

Before the elevator door with Mr. M,

I had a moment of flying out of my mind,

and I realized suddenly

I fucked it up.

I –

fucked –

it –

up.

 

The fact that I was going to betray you

magnified itself

enlarged like a bubble

reflected with painful, screaming faces flying into the space and infinity

 

and I knew I was gonna do it

anyways.

 

 

But it was,

so early and so ridiculous to say,

because that doesn’t even “fit into the definition“

-you haven’t even gotten me

how come the concept of “betrayal”?

and I figured

it was because

I loved you

like an idiot

like you

 

<II>

 

A week later

In the bar

when a German left me alone after talks,

a Russian came

– always the Russians appear when Germans are not there

 

He was apparently

drunk, and I answered his request

which was actually in a polite manner

“I can’t go with you tonight, nono, can’t be your girlfriend”

 

The drunkened head kept asking “why” among the noise

I kept repeating almost shoutingly:

“I- fell- in- love- with- someone- else!”

 

The rest of the night in the bar, I was only talking to this Russian

and our chatter was a loop,

everytime I ended up with –

“I fell in love with someone else”

– but I’m wildly aware that

I don’t feel it,

 

although, by logic,

it’s been a fact-

it’s the strangest thing in the strange chapter.

 

<III>

 

The first time

I gave this Fact recognition

was on bed.

 

when he finally finished

Mr, Weirdo + Seriousness

in my brain I,

spontaneously called your name

 

and I admit

today

I’m not willing to

give up on you ..

which brings me to

a forever sadness too

 

On that evening when I got some pleasure

and long before the discovery of “I loved someone else”,

what was on your plan?

 

If that was the first time I stepped on the boundary

does that count as a betrayal to you?

or the ultimate loyalty?

 

but I think I was such a liar

firstly to make you such a believer.

Actually I didn’t know

if the impulse is

from a semi-rational emotion

or a semi-emotional reason

but I still can’t feel

 

Mr. Weirdo + Seriousness

how about you?

Better not to let me know

that you love me too.

 

By logic, you should have been gone now,

further and longer,

to the end of this chapter.

I see that both of us loved

a unique order for the world.

If so, the event that our lifes intercepted

should be hereby recorded.

 

 

---

 

 

2021.10.18  Glasgow, Scotland

 

<1 >

Romance

Starts fading

and I stared at your photo

Thinking

for how many wrong turns have you made

before you found me?

 

I’ve been numb

to my feelings inside

truth is

we aren’t quite a match

but we know we can be somehow together

Concordance in someway

maybe to create

is our destinies

 

How many difficulties that lie ahead

after we met?

To commit to our common future –

I am serious.

 

<2>

Now look at you

what you don’t want to affirm

may turn out to be hope too

There isn’t new hope or an old one anyway.

 

<3>

Since when our resemblance sits right inside the center of our realities?

 

 

---

 

 

2022. 4. 18

 

Elisabeth Speaking

 

 

You took me to dance

And pretended you can’t

I thought you weren’t interested

And I offered to teach

 

Then you evaded

As if the invitation from you

Is now invalid

 

Oh my love

Don’t game don’t abuse

We should not be together

If our steps don’t align

 

Let it go

Let it go

 

Or could you

Fly me to the moon with

A thousand notes of affection

And truth itself will

Lead you

 

Oh love,

Don‘t deny my way

I tried to tell you

In your way

Don’t deny the truth

It is truth which deserves

To be carried out

in the way worst possible

 

Perplexed as you

And guilty as I was

What an actress I am!

Should I be happy for this skill?

 

The moment you have really bought my lies

My world had an earthquake

tarnished was my heart

Worried my spirit

Startled was my soul

Repressed was my “sorry”,

 

“Es tut mir leid!”

 

I was unhappy was shameful was sick was sad was     \and was unaware

 

or would I take the boat to the long long river

The extension of ocean.

 

You might even find pleasure

In watching me suffer

which I somehow –

allowed!

 

Then the voice in my heart

Is speaking to you:

 

Don’t try to pretend weak

Only to understand the weak me

I was weak only because of

You

 

Trying to forget you

(I love you but I can’t feel it)

Trying to forget you

(I love you but I can’t feel it)

 

Leave me alone.

 

There is meaning in being private

There is meaning in being private

 

Let me go

Let me go

 

Elisabeth speaking:

If you can’t set me free

Then don’t ever come to see me again

I don’t like you!

I don’t

Need

Your witness

of my solemn, my sadness, my solitude, my…

Ugly, crying, rface

Get away!

 

And you said:

Oh baby

Words cannot express

How much I wanted you

And I was so scared to lose you

If you ever teach me the correct thing as if

I was wrong too

 

Oh baby…

Stay

Stay

 

Elisabeth Speaking:

Nono

Go away, go away.