Untitled Horror Film (1986)

The 1980’s were the Golden Age of horror cinema. Restrictions on sex and violence in film were lighter than ever before, innovations in prosthetics & makeup made it easier for low-budget filmmakers to create gnarly visual effects, and the advent of home video & rentals meant horror fans were spending even more money to watch their favorite movies over and over again.

On top of the film industry becoming more lucrative, society was primed for making – and watching – the scariest movies they could find. Much as the Cold War and the threat of nuclear annihilation brought a wave of creature features & sci-fi in the 50’s, the myriad of sociopolitical ills in the 80’s were good news for horror cinema (and bad news for everything else). The youth of America was still disenchanted and outraged by the atrocities of the Vietnam War, HIV/AIDS was ravaging the LGBT community and erasing the joy of the Sexual Revolution, and the American teenager was bathing in the glamorization of drugs and violence. People were desperate for an escape. And what better way to escape from real-world horrors than by watching fake ones?

However, horror of the 80’s did not exist in a vacuum, and many of the tropes seen in these beloved teen slasher films were societal commentary in and of themselves, whether intentional or not. I think this may be why myself and so many others adore the horror of the 1980’s: one can watch these films to analyze the deeper meanings hidden within them, or one can laugh at them and enjoy them as braindead popcorn movies. And that in itself is an interesting concept to explore; how we can simultaneously take these things seriously and still have a totally tubular time watching them.

So, sit back and enjoy these few stills from a theoretical 80’s slasher.

Traditionally a blonde girl. The first to go swimming, the first to hook up, and the first to die. Probably dragged everyone to camp for a “fun summer”.

Either shows up late by himself or complains for the whole car ride to camp. Bad attitude and worse breath. Always has a sassy comeback. Sometimes used as a red herring.

Smart about fashion, dumb about everything else. Has a girlfriend but is queercoded to a ridiculous degree. His physical weakness and flamboyancy are often used as comic relief.

Traditionally a brunette girl. Often quiet and studious; somewhat hesitant to come along on the trip. Always politely refuses drugs, drinks, and…refer to title. Will survive.

The gang circles up to chat, and the punk passes out the aforementioned drugs and drinks. The killer watches from the shadows, unnoticed by the intoxicated kids.

The killer sets his sights on the flamboyant one. He tends to be one of the first to get drunk, as well as being the most invested in the gossip. He brushes off the rumors of last year’s massacre like he constantly brushes his hair.

As the sun sets, the whore and the punk stumble to an abandoned cabin to have some fun. The killer waits nearby, planning to ambush the couple once they’ve proved their immorality.

The whore finds himself pursued through the woods by the killer. Naturally, he trips on a stick and takes entirely too long scrambling back up, getting himself caught and killed.

The killer and the virgin have their first run-in, but the virgin escapes, grabbing a kitchen knife in the dash for the door. He hides in the woodshed, nursing his injuries and praying this sunset won’t be his last.

The punk puts up a decent fight, but he’s no match for the killer’s superhuman strength. He slumps to the ground, the internal bleeding serving as swift punishment for his indulgence in vices.

The gay straight guy has a moment of clarity and decides to find a hiding spot. Unfortunately, old idiocy dies hard, and he can’t help but breathe too loudly or crunch a leaf when the killer is within earshot.

The killer ties the gay straight guy to a tree, taunting him before leaving him there as bait for the virgin. When he comes to rescue his friend, the final fight begins.

After the killer finishes dispatching the gay straight guy, the virgin manages to get the upper hand on him with speed, wit, and vengeance for his fallen friends. He is left as the Final Boy, the sole survivor of the bloodshed, stumbling towards salvation as the sun finally rises.

The End

Cast

The Gay Straight Guy        Me

The Punk Rocker         Me

The Virgin           Me

The Whore        Me

Inspirations

“Untitled Film Still” series (Cindy Sherman), “Friday the 13th”, especially parts I and VI (Sean S. Cunningham, Tom McLoughlin), “The Evil Dead” (Sam Raimi), “A Nightmare on Elm Street” (Wes Craven), “Sleepaway Camp” (Robert Hiltzik), “Scream” (Wes Craven), “The Cabin in the Woods” (Drew Goddard), “American Horror Story: 1984” (Bradley Buecker et. al.)

Special Thanks

Thanks to Spirit Halloween for selling surprisingly good fake blood for dirt cheap, to Hershey’s for providing me and Alfred Hitchcock with ample chocolate syrup, to the kids who rode by on their bikes while I was tied up for not laughing at me, to the hero who invented camera timers and continuous shooting, to Xavier Plympton and Cort Andrews for existing, to my dad for owning a Ramones t-shirt, and to my mom for opening the door for me when my hands were covered in gore.