Walking out of the room after Dr. Gene Hammond’s talk, I was absolutely stunned and a little emotional. Life had always been streamlined for me, as it had never crossed my mind that I should not be a doctor. I enjoyed helping people and I loved science. It was perfect. But this year has made me rethink some of my future goals, as my struggles with the MCAT may directly change the trajectory of my career. One test grade could determine the rest of my life.

Listening to the director of the writing department, I realized that maybe my career wasn’t supposed to be linear, maybe it wasn’t supposed to be perfect. Even students in our class had similar stories of hardship and migration from field to field. But the idea of even attempting that is so alien and scary to me. My foreboding grows even greater as I think about how my parents will react to me changing disciplines, after I have spent so much of their money going to school as a pre-medical student.

All of these ideas were confirmed when Sacha Kopp, the Dean of College of Arts and Sciences, gave his talk in our class. It was surprising to hear him say that he failed to get every job he ever applied for. He went on to say that many people do not get it right the first time, and there is no yellow brick road, no map revealing the path to the future. That is the interesting thing about a pre-medical track and why there is such a demand for it: it provides security and a general career layout. Whenever someone asks me about it, I can always say something along the lines of:

It is a succinct plan and will keep at bay the constant inquiries of my family and friends. Honestly, I don’t know what the right choice is right now; how can I decide what I want to do for the rest of my life in four short undergraduate years? Many students face this dilemma, so it is not surprising to say that our desires are correlated with success rate. One of my good friends once told me that if he is not good at something, he stops doing it. I asked him how will he ever enjoy new experiences and truly appreciate that feeling of triumph when conquering a fear or hardship. He retorted with “Only the rich have time to do that.” He was joking at the time, but I sincerely believe that people think this way. The scariest phobia for any person is the fear of failure because it is chronic, it will always be there, digging its way into every cranny of the brain. I have this fear everyday, applying to medical schools with my subpar MCAT grade.

But I still move forward and try to improve myself day by day. Right now, I know that I do not want to change disciplines no matter what hardship I face. I want to pursue science because it challenges me and makes me earn every exam grade. Also, I have made it my life’s goal to help people that don’t have the same opportunities as us. If any of that changes, then I know that it is okay to choose another path. But I refuse to take the easy road and settle for something less than I am capable of. The road may be long and complex, but the journey, not the result, is often the best part.