Staying Sane During Grad School: My Identity as (not just) a Graduate Student

You are not defined by graduate school. Say it louder for the people in the back…you are NOT defined by your identity as a graduate student.

This took me quite some time to realize—three years, to be exact. I was (somewhat) content waking up in the mornings, driving 50 minutes to Stony Brook, going to classes and performing experiments or lab-related work for 8-10 hours (sometimes more!), then making the trek back home or to go visit my mom in Queens later that evening. If I simply had nothing else to do, or when time-sensitive experiments demanded, weekend-days were spent in lab, too. I would spend all of these hours working yet still feel guilty for “missing time” in lab. I put that phrase in quotes because it felt as if I should always be in lab, always be productive. This pressure was placed on me by myself, solely. My PI was neither demanding data nor telling me that my progress was not up to par. Sound familiar? Sometimes, it even felt like a competition between students: who stayed until 11 pm last Wednesday imaging slides on the confocal? Or who came in on the weekend to stain their western blots? Experiments go wrong all the time. It is one thing to be resilient, to read, troubleshoot, and then approach the problem differently with new information, but I like to be rewarded more frequently than once every 3 months, and I am sure that I am not alone. Graduate school is tough—it is mentally and emotionally tolling at times, and “buckling down and pushing forward” does not always work. Not to mention all of the responsibilities and stressors that come from outside of our little grad school bubble, don’t get me started! So, I am going to talk about who I am outside of graduate school and how I balance my weeks to maintain a level headspace. I hope my words encourage you to think about what this balance might look like for you.

I am a fifth-year PhD candidate at 27 years-old and I sometimes like to jokingly refer to the first half of this decade as my “terrible twenties”. Now, it might sound like I think of these years in a negative light, but let me explain. My twenties have been a time of navigating the new and treacherous waters of the self—outgrowing relationships, meeting new people, healing from heartbreak, delving in self-discovery, self-reflection, career-searching, questioning sexuality and identity, learning how to communicate emotions and needs—we did not learn these things in school, people! I sure as hell was not prepared. I was taught: get good grades, get a job, get married, have kids, raise said kids, and then retire, that will certainly make you happy/content/fulfilled! No! Humans are not simple creatures and happiness does not lie at the completion of some project or transition or life-changing event. Do we really have anyone to blame? That might be an entire blog post in itself…How could one possibly teach navigating the minefield of early adulthood? It’s terrible at first! Hence the “terrible-twenties.” I am learning new things about myself each day through experiences, through people, and through being present, which is beautiful and terrifying all at the same time—the fun is always in the learning, right? The prospect of learning is why I embarked on this graduate school journey, after all. Of course you have the power to define the trajectory of your life, but first you must decide who you are. I have traditionally been deeply curious about what makes other people tick, while unintentionally ignoring the critical introspection that we all must perform to get to know ourselves. My mid-twenties have come with a boatload of self-discovery that hit me like a slap in the face. Between graduate school, personal life, hobbies, and additional responsibilities, who has the time to meditate or do nothing but sit with their thoughts to build a healthy relationship with themselves? Especially since our thoughts are not always easy to listen to! Well, maybe this is supposed to happen over time by simply being aware in the present moment and acting intentionally in life—no more autopilot. Therefore, I have been asking myself this question for quite some time now: “Who am I?” (Can you answer this question for yourself? Try it!) Hint: not just a graduate student.

I am a hiker, biker, climber, traveler, skier, indoor-plant lover, car karaoke-singer, caregiver, daughter, sister, friend, queer woman, mentor, chemical-neuroscientist, leader, student, empath, social butterfly, and much, much more. These interests, passions, identities, and characteristics contribute to who I am and compliment me as a scientist. I have learned (through lots of trial and error) that if I am not doing something to actively move my body and/or stimulate my mind, I am doing both my mind and body a disservice. Unfortunately, this lack-of-stimulation will manifest itself as depressed mood, irritability, self-loathing, procrastination, unhealthy-cravings, and dissociation, which in turn affects my ability to focus and perform scientifically. Can you relate? How do you cope? I find things that bring me joy, and I make time for them! Scientific research is a huge part of my life, but it is not my entire life, nor does it have to be—and I am okay with that. So, what makes you tick? When are you your most excited, inspired, bubbly, driven, content? Are you very analytical and problem-driven? Maybe chess, puzzles, coding/programming, or competitive gaming could be for you. Do you enjoy hands-on activities or being physical? Perhaps martial arts/boxing, woodworking, Lego-building, or endurance challenges might tickle your fancy. I love a good physical challenge because it is almost always dictated by mental resilience. I also feel at peace when I am outdoors. I am going to share a few of my most cherished lifestyle adoptions in hopes that you will also discover a new spark, outside of grad school, particularly if you are feeling as if “something is missing” like I had felt for quite some time, unknowingly.

Hiking

This is something that everyone can do! Nature is so beautiful and can be so calming. All you need is a pair of sneakers (or boots) and some water (stay hydrated!). Fall and Winter are my favorite seasons to go on hikes, believe it or not. Hiking in the fall is appealing for obvious reasons; who doesn’t love that beautiful foliage! Colors just light up my brain and make my eyes and my heart happy. Winter hiking might seem daunting because it is cold, BUT, if you wear appropriate clothing (no cotton, ever!) and layer up, your radiating body heat will do all of the work for you—just keep moving! I mean c’mon, have you ever laid eyes on a frozen winter wonderland? The one thing that these two seasons have in common is…no bugs! Late spring and summer are also great, warmer times to hike, but you’ll have to worry about ticks, mosquitoes, and flies. This can sometimes make the experience less appealing, but that’s not to say it is not equally satisfying; just bring bug spray! Download the AllTrails app to easily search trails in your area. The app lets you download a map for offline use, so you always know where you are going.

(Mountain) Biking

This is a newfound passion that I discovered at the advent of the COVID-19 pandemic—brought to you by the overwhelming stress and time spent sitting in my room preparing an F31 application—I needed out of the house. It truly changed my life by nourishing the long-neglected adrenaline junkie that lived inside of me. I spent around $300 on a hybrid mountain bike from a wholesale bike website, with the help of a grad school friend (thanks, Tyler!), that was appropriate for the road and some cross-country trails on Long Island. I eventually upgraded to a full-suspension mountain bike, but that’s a story for another time. Although less accessible than hiking (because you need a bike and a helmet), this was the best investment that I have made to date, because it was an investment in me—my physical and mental health, in particular. My physical health influences my mental health and vice-versa, like some vicious feedback loop that can either be nurtured or neglected. Biking is therapy for me—I clear my mind and improve my mood with crisp morning bike rides before work. The day is automatically better after a taste of those sweet endorphins. I immersed myself in the race community and found an extremely supportive and open-minded set of people along the way. Email or call a nearby bike shop regarding group rides, search local groups on social media, or just talk about your new and exciting hobby to anybody and everybody that you encounter; you will have bike pals before you know it.

Rock Climbing

 Full disclosure: this one is addicting. Another newly-discovered passion that was introduced to me by a grad school friend (thanks, Lucie!), is rock climbing. It is super amenable to beginners and much more social than my two aforementioned hobbies. All you need is a pair of climbing shoes and a chalk bag which you can rent before you commit to buying. The pricey part is gym access, but as a student you can often get discounts on day passes. If you decide this is something you’d like to do long-term, you could purchase a monthly membership. Invest in yourself! This is what works for me. Here is your reminder to take advantage of reimbursements that the graduate student organization offers for stuff like this. Exercise equipment and some yoga/pilates classes may be included, so you can cancel your boring old gym membership and do something so much more fun! Not only is this a great way to exercise, but you will also make a bunch of new friends if that is your intention. Everyone in the gym is always rooting for each other’s success…who wouldn’t want to be in a positive environment like that?!

So I told you about some of my hobbies, but how do I fit any of them into my schedule with a 2-hour commute, caregiving responsibilities, doctor’s appointments, family obligations, etc. while also finding time to consume food, take showers, and maintain a social life, you ask? Well, like anything else I prioritize what is important to me and make some sacrifices where necessary. Currently, I can only fit climbing into my schedule, after work, three times a week. On those nights I get home at 10:30pm with just enough time to shower and go to sleep. They are long days, but the benefit of moving my body in a social environment (boom—physical, emotional, mental health boost) outweighs my desire, and the benefits I receive from lying in bed and watching the newest season of Euphoria, for example. This is not one-size-fits-all! What works for you? Are there certain activities like chatting on the phone with a friend, doing yoga, or going for a walk, that improve your mood? Try to notice these things, then incorporate them regularly into your schedule. No matter how well or how poorly, how productive or how distracted I was on those weekdays, I find the will to make it to the gym, craving the reward it ultimately provides me. As the weather gets warmer, I will start to wake up earlier in order to go for morning bike rides before work, which will require going to sleep earlier (aka staying off of Instagram and Tiktok when I get home for the night). I also designate weekends to ME—either biking, climbing, hiking, spending time with friends or family, running necessary errands, or relaxing. No, my time management is not perfect, and sometimes things throw my schedule askew, but I make a conscious effort to indulge in things that bring me joy, despite always running on a tight schedule.

If you take anything away from this post, I want it to be this: life is beautiful and there is so much to discover—in this world and in yourself. If you want to try something new, DO IT. I will hike and bike and climb by myself, to this day. Do not be afraid to do things alone if none of your friends are interested; you will make new friends if you act with intention. Take yourself on a date, go on a solo road-trip, plan a visit to that museum you have been dying to go to for months. Nobody really has their life figured out because we are all constantly changing. I barely know 23-year old Danielle, but I am constantly learning from her, which is how I think life should be. I learned that my “terrible twenties” were not so terrible because they continue to frame who I am and have resulted in me building a relationship with myself (finally!). So, be as curious about yourself as you are about your thesis project, human existence, or your favorite Netflix series; choose your discipline, but always choose yourself first. Be authentic and surround yourself with things you enjoy so you can continually enjoy your life—it is yours to nurture and it can be remarkable when you do.