https://youtu.be/FZWn-VRkZTw

"Love is not about a race, it's about who you are." One of the issues of being multiracial is feeling disconnected from one of your cultural heritage. You may be perceived as one race only because of your appearance, but if you aren't close with your other cultural heritage, there's always that disconnecting feeling from that culture. People might expect you to act a certain way (stereotypes & perceptions) based on your appearance. Sometimes it's hard to answer questions about your ethnicity as you're trying to find your place. To clarify, multiracial issues are more common in America than other places like Canada, England, and the Caribbean.

My Background

My research on mixed-race Asian Americans stems from my background as Black and Indian. My mother is Black, and my father is Indian, and they were both raised in Guyana. They had my older siblings there and had me shortly after coming to America. While growing up, I had issues connecting to both sides of my culture/ finding a middle ground. And this led me to want to learn more about other mixed-race Asian Americans' experiences in exploring their cultural background.

At the age of 4, I attended a wedding with my parents and one of my brothers.

One of the issues I had growing up was my appearance. When I was younger, I was always aware that my cultural background was different from the "stereotypical" American family. The neighborhood I live in is predominately Black. I remember the times walking outside with my father, and people would stare at us. I remember people came up to us to compliment my beauty, but other times were with invasive questions. "She has Black in her, doesn't she?" The same pattern happens with my mother, except people ask, "what is your husband?" or "how does she have light skin and curly hair?" I never understood these questions when I was younger, but older now, it feels sickening to explain my racial identity when answering the infamous question "What are you?"

A picture of my father and I (2-years-old)

I don't dislike the question, but I'm also not fond of it. It was harder for me when I tried to claim both of my racial backgrounds, and people used to try to make me only choose one. In my first year in college, I tried to explain my racial background to one of my friends, and she looked at me with a straight face and said, "why don't you just say you're Black?" Initially, I was confused about the question, and I thought my explanation of my background would make the answer obvious. But then, I calmly replied, "I don't only say I'm Black because it feels like I'm slapping my father across his face, and that's disrespectful." Everyone has their own experiences, but I feel like it's not fair to force your beliefs onto another person. I grew up with my father and love trying to connect to my Indian culture, whether it's through food, clothing, and history. I don't believe every mixed person should be forced to identify with their racial background because sometimes you aren't raised or don't have connections to that part of yourself. For example, one of my friends from high school, Shemar, is Hispanic and Black. He only claims his Black heritage because he never grew up with his Hispanic parent.

I was always fond of doing arts & crafts in school.

Experiencing Racism

My time in elementary school was the first time I encountered/became aware of the concept of "racism." When I was younger, I didn't understand its meaning until it happened. When I was in the first grade, a girl put gum in my hair and insulted me because I looked different from everyone else. The girl was suspended from school for a couple of days. My mother, who didn't know anything about hair care, gave me a big chop at the back of my head (the location of the gum). While cutting my hair, she was crying. My father was furious and even considered me transferring schools. This situation opened my eyes to racism and allowed me to become more aware of myself and others who are experiencing racism.

Connecting Cultures

It was difficult for me to connect to both sides of my family growing up. I remember the times visiting my extended Indian family, and my parents would try to encourage me to play with my cousins. It was hard for me to connect with my cousins because in their eyes 'I don't look the same as them.' There were numerous times when I would approach them, and they ran away because 'I looked weird.' I dreaded my visits as I spent time by myself sitting somewhere until my parents speak to me, "hey, why aren't you playing with the other kids?" I was always too embarrassed to tell my parents the truth and created a fake antisocial persona to cover it up.

Celebrating my 16th birthday in Guyana

My birthday is during the summer, and my parents always used it as an excuse to take vacations. For my 16th birthday, I spent it in Guyana. It wasn't my first visit, but it was the most memorable. In Guyana, I managed to spend time with both sides of my family and understand more about my parents' experiences living there. However, it wasn't always joyful moments. Due to my experiences trying to connect with family members, I wasn't as open to meeting others. In Guyana, I met my cousin, Christine, for the first time, and it was surreal to meet another person like me. Her mother was Indian, and her father was Black. The moment I met her, it was like we clicked and got along with each other.

I remember playing in the backyard with Christine, and I had a strange feeling like someone was looking at me. I turned around and saw one of my cousins staring at me, and I felt a bit creeped out, so I moved away from her. Minutes later, my mother calls me and shows up to see my cousin crying. She told my mother that I was 'acting White' and refused to play with her because she was Black. I felt angry because she accused me of being racist. My mother tried to calm her down and knew I didn't harbor those feelings towards my cousin. It was a frustration experience.

My Parents' Story

A picture of my parents when they were pregnant with their first child.

As a child, I never realized how revolutionary my parents' love story was until I heard stories from my mother. To begin, they first met each other during military service. Their love was taboo because of racial tensions between Indian and Black people. My mother was scared to pursue a relationship with my father because back then, people could've been seriously injured or killed for pursuing another person outside of their race. My father didn't care and continued to pursue my mother. Eventually, she gave in, but there were concerns about whether my father's family would give her their blessing. For the simple fact that my siblings and I are here, it worked out well! My father's family didn't mind that she was Black. Instead, they thought she was pretty and respectful (through her actions). The first time she came to their house, she made sure to take off her shoes at the front and did a 90-degree bow to my grandparents. When my father met my mother's family, it was less formal, but their concern was when will the marriage happen?

Despite both sides of my family approving of my parents' union, they lost friends along the way because of it. My mother had some friends that she was close with since she was a little kid, but they stopped being friends because of my father. It wasn't because my father did anything, but because he was Indian. During my parents' journey through love, they got to distinguish between those that are racist or open-minded.

The Present

Attending another wedding with my parents

The social system in Guyana has gotten better compared to when my parents' youth. Racial-based discrimination and violence continue, but efforts are improving these situations. The number of mixed-race Asian Americans increases with issues of racial identification and feeling comfortable in your skin and environment. There are 'labels' or 'terms' used to describe mixed people, but it would be better to allow people in these categories to label themselves accordingly. It's a conflicting feeling when trying to identify your race but deal with society telling you what your race should be. The issue isn't only about racial identification terms but understanding who you are and where you belong.

Presenting my senior research project at URECA

It was a great honor to present the fruits of my research and see people genuinely interested in my topic. Generally, mixed-race Asian Americans aren't often talked about, and I hope to bring more awareness to people like myself. While growing up, I struggled to connect and understand my racial identification. Today, I stand proud and identify myself as a mixed-race Asian American. I grew this confidence from connecting to the stories of others and doing research to understand my racial background. These stories I collected can build a conversation further about accepting other cultures amid America's ongoing issues of racial tensions toward Asian/Asian Americans.